you’re not special

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Author: you’re not special

  • Alone in New York

    Alone in New York

    Sitting here, in 10B, watching the city of my dreams shrink beneath me, I have no choice but to sit with my thoughts. 

    Ironically, my flight is rerouted through your city because of the weather. 

    After a week in New York, where I thought all thoughts of you would fade, I boarded this plane a little more heartbroken than when I arrived.

    To think that you and I ultimately did not work out because I might one day live in this dream city of mine.

    Not because of something dramatic or unforgivable, but simply because of what neither of us could give up. That would be too easy.

    Throughout this trip, I saw love and laughter. Places you’d admire and things you’d laugh at. 

    Other times, I swore I could hear your laugh or picture your reaction to something small.

    In the mornings, as I brushed my teeth listening to the life in the house around me, I thought of you brushing yours next to me- still groggy, playfully intruding.

    Instead, I stood alone at the sink, finishing my routine inside the reality where I don’t know where you are or what your mornings look like anymore.

    We went for coffee. I spotted something you would love.

    I didn’t order it.

    I watched my best friends laugh into each other, bodies leaning as instinct. I thought about how it once felt to be folded into you like that.

    Selfishly, I wished it were me.

    I was alone in New York

    I reminded myself of my dreams and your needs. Of how I couldn’t be who you needed. I thought about everything this city might offer me, everything I haven’t seen yet.

    And then I thought about you anyway.

    About the fun we had. The love we shared. The fights. The words we shouldn’t have said. The way you made me feel- both love and hurt.

    I was alone in New York

    During my week in the city, I sat and watched. One of the first things you ever noticed about me was that I’m a people watcher.

    You were right.

    I watched people alone and people together. People running, people lingering, people so young and others well lived.

    I wondered what had shaped them, what they’d lost, what they’d chosen.

    I wondered if they’d been heartbroken before. If it gets easier. If anyone ever feels certain.

    Eventually, my thoughts wandered back to you. What were doing? Where were you? What you might say if you sat beside me on that bench.

    You didn’t.

    I was alone in New York

    The food was incredible. Endless plates, every kind of cuisine. We shared bites, laughed about how full we were, and kept eating anyway.

    I caught myself thinking about what you’d like and what you’d refuse to try. How we’d argue who got the last bite.

    You’d tease me for having yet another Diet Coke. I’d roll my eyes.

    I remembered how we used to leave anywhere, any event, just to find food to share late at night.

    I had the last bite 

    I was alone in New York

    I watched my best friend spin through crosswalks, quietly cared for. Extra eyes on the subway, kisses on corners, and photos with a view.

    I won’t pretend I wasn’t envious. I wanted to be the one asking for a picture with my person in my favorite place.

    Instead, I held the phone.

    The week was good. It really was. Fun was had. Memories were made. I was grateful, deeply.

    But my heart felt heavier than it ever has on a trip, making even joy feel like something I had to carry.

    I was in New York, just not in the way I once imagined.

    I was alone in New York.

    On our last day, luggage in hand, a boy ran across the sidewalk. He picked up a girl and spun her around like in the movies. I too wish I was kidding. She laughed, arms locked around his neck as kisses flooded her face and neck.

    You could hear him say how much he missed her.

    Why couldn’t we have been that?

    I was selfish in this moment. I didn’t know their story. I don’t know what they’ve endured or how long it has been since their last hug.

    Still, my envy curdled into anger. Then sadness.

    I let myself feel it.

    After delays and reroutes, the fastest way home was through your city- a place I’ve avoided since you. I took the coincidence personally, as if the universe was checking to see if I’d healed yet.

    I hadn’t.

    Now it’s 11 p.m., seat 10B, flying away from New York, a city I love, carrying thoughts of what we were and what we won’t be.

    Not because either of us failed.

    Just because our paths didn’t bend.

    I can’t give up this city. I can’t give up what it might give me, or who I might become here. That doesn’t make me brave. It doesn’t make me cruel.

    It just makes it my choice.

    My father once told me that you can’t be alone in this world if you have even one person in it who loves you.

    You should know, you’ll never be alone as long as I’m in it.

    But tonight, at 11 p.m., in seat 10B, I feel alone, but loved enough to keep going,

    and still choosing New York

  • a pocket full of grief

    It’s easier to write about love. The thrill of it, the certainty, the way it makes you feel chosen.

    It’s even easier to write about love once it’s over, when time has softened the pain into lessons.

    To write about hurt is different.

    Hurt isn’t poetic. It isn’t neat. It lies heavy on your chest, dull and consuming. Challenging you to make something beautiful out of a feeling that was never gentle to begin with.

    That’s where I’ve been lately.

    Overwhelmed with things I want to say. Full of feelings, I don’t know how to justify on a page, completely lost on how to make it all worth reading.

    Heartbreak is unlike any other emotion.

    It doesn’t move in a straight line. It rises, collapses, heals, then reopens without warning. Growth is neighbor to desperation. Hope is roommates with devastation. It introduces you to pain you didn’t know your body could hold.

    It’s ironic, how heartbreak can never be linear.

    A straight line, a flat line. The absence of all feeling and life, the moment the heart stops speaking entirely.

    Love survives in the moment, grief lives in its waves.

    Once you meet grief, you recognize it forever.

    I think of grief as a rock in your pocket. At first, the weight of it seems unbearable. Every step is a reminder that it’s there. Over time, it grows lighter, or maybe you simply grow stronger. It never leaves, the rock; you just learn how to move on with it.

    Some days you forget it’s there.

    Other days, it feels heavier than it ever has.

    We all carry rocks. Romantic love isn’t the only way loss enters life, but every human who breathes knows grief. It’s unavoidable.

    And yet, every time a rock is added, we fall again.

    Defeat becomes familiar. Healing feels temporary, Progress feels fragile.

    Grief looks different for everyone.

    In my life, it looks like mourning a love that is still alive.

    The person I grieve wakes up under the same sky and moves forward, just now, without me.

    Grieving someone who still exists is its own kind of cruelty.

    Right now, my grief looks like emptiness.

    Both emotionally and physically.

    Heartbreak has its way of stripping you to skin and bones.

    You take up less space without intention.

    Your clothes fall differently, your reflection startles you. There is an emptiness that settles in. You can’t tell where from, your chest, stomach, or life, but it’s made itself comfortable in the hollowness of you.

    People question with care; you don’t have the language to explain the lack of restraint. It was a loss. Weight has shifted elsewhere, and love has collapsed inward.

    I didn’t choose this

    Grief found me.

    Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to never have met you at all.

    Love was never about safety. As humans, we risk our lives for love. We give our bodies, our certainty, our sense of self. We open ourselves up to something we know might not stay.

    And even now, I don’t wish I had never loved you.

    I wish it hadn’t taken parts of me to exist.

    But loving, when it nearly took everything out of me, remains the most wonderful gift I’ve ever given.

    That moment, when you sit with nothing left to give. Truly, you sit after you’ve explained, begged, waited, forgiven, cried, and through it all, loved. You realize there was nothing more you could have done when you reached the flatline of heartbreak. That moment deserves mourning.

    Losing someone who once knew you completely

    Losing someone who once spoke your love fluently, then lost the language

    That is grief.

    You don’t get to run from it

    You have to feel the rocks as you stand, and keep going anyway.

    That’s the risk of love. You risk your life, your joy, and your peace.

    All for a feeling

    A feeling we keep getting back up to find.

    I will get up, and there will be love again

    This time, I will find a love that is recognized, not just received.

    Someone will meet me and think that love is me. Someone will understand that my love is not just what I offer, it is entirely who I am

    Someone will meet me, and all the ways of me will suddenly feel like home. Someone will love me with all the rocks in my pockets.

    And I will love them the same way. Fully and honestly. Carrying all that we carry.

    That is when I’ll finally understand,

    You were not special for loving me

  • life now

    Today, someone asked me if I was dating anyone

    It was at dinner

    She didn’t know me well

    Her question was curious and kind

    I thought of you, and for a second all was fine

    Suddenly, I could smell your cologne and the drive to your house was my new route home

    With plans to watch a movie and toss the chore of who takes the dog out

    Then it hit me and breathing became a task

    “No” I said softly with a smile

    No, I’m not with anyone

    I said

    I’m not with you

    I thought

    I excused myself and walked to the restroom counting my footsteps

    Each step chasing after the air I’ve lost

    Why was that so difficult?

    It’s been weeks

    It has been weeks of driving the roads of the town we met, experiencing what was once with you, now alone.

    Weeks of breaking down in parking lots of the places we went

    Weeks of canceled plans and lack of motivation

    Because updating my calendar meant life was moving

    It was moving on without you

    After weeks of rearranging my room, changing my hair and trying new things

    Life kept moving

    With good days and bad days

    Days where the gratitude for my friends was overwhelming enough to quiet the thoughts of what if?

    To others where I’d reach for my phone excited to call you and then reality would knock me back to my bathroom floor

    Maybe this is for the better

    There is an overwhelming feeling that is packaged with the idea that,

    I have to remember you longer than I ever even knew you.

    A simple cruelty.

    With nothing other to do than wonder why

    Maybe it’s for the better

    Maybe it’s not

    Either way, it’s life now

    But now, it’s life without you

  • one year later

    When I saw you, it had been a year since the last.

    Maybe a little more

    We locked eyes, longer than any other glance made that day

    To everyone, we were two strangers. To each other, that glance was a memory of who we once knew.

    Hurt and expired love. For me at least.

    I saw you

    one year later

    In the grand scheme of things, that’s not too long of a time. But, I’m a different person now. I’m sure you are too.

    Two people, strangers now, who’s eyes told the story of two people, once together.

    His eagerness and her hurt.

    You sound different. You’ve lost your accent a little. Your “r’s” roll of a little smoother now.

    Your curls are looser and your hair seems darker.

    Your eyes though, they haven’t changed.

    While, I don’t know who looks into them or who they light up at. Your eyes locking with mine, for the first time in a year, make my heart beat so loud I have to focus to hear anything over it.

    Your eyes, they bring back emotions I once prayed so hard to get over.

    You go on, as do I. Playing the role of strangers, what others are expecting of us.

    You set your phone down and curiosity hits me. I wonder what your lock screen is, and all the other things that had to have changed.

    The necklace you carefully adjust, is it the same you wore with me?

    I catch myself and try to carry on.

    I think of all of the ways I have changed over the year.

    To you, my hair is dark, longer and I speak a little less.

    I still have so much to say, just no longer to you.

    To you, I dress differently, but haven’t changed my love for New York and hats.

    I wonder what else you notice, if anything at all.

    I type away on a phone that has never been used to reach out to you.

    My lock screen is of my dog, you’ve never met her.

    My eyes though, they haven’t changed.

    Despite my efforts to outgrow thoughts of you and move past every “what if”

    My eyes haven’t changed.

    They do their best to avoid yours and each time they fail they reflect the hurt of almost.

    I almost loved you

    You almost loved me

    We almost worked

    I wonder what goes through your mind when you look into me.

    One year later, I wonder if you regret things

    One year later, I wonder if your heart reacts to its eyes meeting mine.

    Is there familiarity?

    Easily and I’m sure accurately, you don’t feel what I do. All that I do.

    Something I was never able to understand. Even one year later, looking into your eyes with so much unsaid between them.

    The reintroduction of your blue eyes creates the need for recovery. Days and weeks I will relive, rethink, and analyze this moment.

    Looking into your eyes again,

    one year later.

  • now what?

    Writing this, I’m sitting in the window seat of a delayed plane, wishing I were eager for it to take off. I’m not, though, something about simply idling in your city brings me comfort. I sit here, leaving your city for the first time, waiting to launch into a new chapter of life. Yet, I live in the same town with the same friends and all the same routines. Why does it feel so strange this time? Why are my tears suddenly a new recipe of joy and sadness? Why is this time so different? 

    This time, I don’t have you.

    I wake, and in place of your voice is a chime that makes me jump:

    Good morning! Only 2 more weeks. 

    There it is, the salt of joyous and aching tears. I wash my face and brush my teeth facing the frame that houses a memory of you and I. A memory of a time so sweet, the time when “I’m on my way” meant a two-minute ride to your front door. A time when “come over” was a quick stop on your drive home. The times when we met and we celebrated, where we learned the ways of each other. The time I fell in love for the last time. 

    We knew this was coming.

    Now what?

    It’s funny because neither of us saw this coming. Us. Neither of us even wanted this. Until one day, it seemed like all we ever knew. Before our first date, my mother said to me, “You never know which first will be your last.” I didn’t think much of it at the time, just another piece of advice while I finished up my makeup. But now I understand her words more clearly than ever. Now, her words are a gentle reminder to take it all in. Because there are very few times in your life when it all aligns so perfectly. Not love at first sight or soulmates or anything seen in movies. But true luck. Not because he was perfect, or she was perfect, but because in that exact moment, every decision you’ve made, every flaw you have, has now combined and led you to that exact moment. All of the separation has now mended the two beings together. 

    Now what?

    I wake up to a chime, wash my face, and brush my teeth, eyeing that photo of us. For a moment, I wished things were different, that there wasn’t so much distance, then I stopped. I reflect on all of the firsts that have become lasts, not out of loss, but out of love. A choice made despite the miles that force our whispers to be texts, our sights a photo, and creates a countdown in our minds. Over time, the words of my mother echo, and you quietly become something I simply don’t want to lose. It doesn’t have to be so scary, so heavy. The eyes of others soften at the words “long-distance.” The quiet assumption that it is something we’ll soon outgrow, and sometimes, I do wonder if we are naive to think that at our age, we won’t.

    Now what?

    But then I remember, it isn’t about proving anyone wrong, or creating something to please others. We are young, but we aren’t careless. This isn’t a guess, it’s a choice. One we make, over and over, with every morning chime. That’s not naive.

    Now what?

    Now, I’ve landed. Back in my town with my routines, living a life that looks the same, but feels so different. A life where my days are lined with the presence of your absence, somewhere you once were. I find comfort in the countdown. While it’s not the way I’d choose if it were in my control, it’s what we have now. And that’s more than enough.

    So next time I sit in the window seat of a plane, watching your town shrink beneath me, the ache won’t be as loud. I will carry more certainty, more peace. Because this isn’t the end of anything. It’s different, and it’s how I love you now.

  • oat milk latte

    I miss you sometimes

    A feeling so heavy it would weigh down my days.

    For a while, I couldn’t help but check if you’d viewed my socials, and it was daily that I imagined speaking with you.

    But in time, something has changed. 

    In these imaginary conversations, I’m the one telling you to leave. I’m the one asking you to let me go. I’m the one moving on.

    Slowly but surely, I’ve started choosing myself over you.

    My mornings no longer start with me reaching for my phone, desperate for a text that won’t come.

    Instead, I snooze my alarm. Once, twice, even three times. Finally, I grunt my way out of bed, wash my face, and think about my morning coffee.

    No thoughts of you.

    No what could have been about us.

    Just me, standing in the kitchen, deciding between oat and almond milk.

    Now, the music I play is for me, not songs that remind me of you.

    My camera roll is filled with moments I cherish, not photos strategically taken to catch your attention.

    I make conversation with strangers at the library, embracing the little reminders that there’s so much more to life than you.

    Every day, the thought of you fades a little more, replaced by something new. Still, there are moments.

    A knot tightens in my chest when your name comes up, and the scent of your cologne stops me in my tracks.

    But I choose, again and again, to push those thoughts away. Sometimes, I wish to sit with the thought of us a little longer, but I don’t.

    I indeed miss you. But I miss me more.

    And it’s time to find the version of me that I love, and I’m proud of.

    Eager for the phase of my life where I get to do what I want, be who I want, and go where I want.

    I’ve stopped rehashing every interaction we had, wishing I’d said or done something differently.

    Instead, I do things differently. I do things for me. 

    I dress up for the grocery store, I dance in the rain, I talk to strangers, and I savor the joy of alone time.

    I dream about the places I’ll visit, the goals I’ll chase, and the people I’ll meet along the way. These dreams are my future, and they excite me in ways you never could.

    I used to think you were holding me back. But the truth is, it was always me.

    The moment I saw that photo of you with someone new, a beautiful girl with a warm smile, my breath was stolen from me. I was angry, confused, and heartbroken in ways I didn’t know I could be.

    But that moment quickly became the turning point.

    The hurt didn’t last as long as I thought it would.

    One day, I woke up and didn’t check if you had reached out.

    Instead, I snoozed my alarm, washed my face, and thought to myself:

    Today, an oat milk latte sounds pretty good