Sweetheart

Did you think of me while you were in her?

It unraveled me to know

How could you move on so quickly?

It taints my memory like a stain

I can’t say it aloud; there’s no need

Now, your sweetheart sits, attached to the memory of you

To the way that I remember you

In the way that I remember us

Sweetheart

That’s the hardest part

It wasn’t just one night, or how quickly you moved on

It’s that now, when I do think of you,

the way you’d look at me or the way you’d say my name

Something about it feels heavy

The memory of cracking your knuckles, knowing to skip one whose pop was too sharp

Sweetheart

You thought I would never know

That it would mean nothing

only one night

white sheets, closed curtains

The irony of a hotel in your city

It would be forgotten by morning

Sweetheart

It meant everything to me

I would never wish the pain of such realization on another

Sweetheart

I protected the good in you and clung to the thought that this was for the better

You did this for the better.

Sweetheart

You have tainted every memory of us

Was it real?

Did you love me in the ways I loved you?

fully,

patiently,

in the staying?

Now, I wonder the reasons you left

Why wasn’t I enough to stay

Sweetheart

I know

I am not easy to rest with

I feel deeply, and I want the things you fear

Sweetheart

I was real

I was not temporary

I realize the simplicity now

My place in your life

I wasn’t important

I question how I could have felt so intentionally while you were timing your exit carefully

Sweetheart

I don’t feel the same anymore

I loved you with no plan

Sweetheart

The scariest part wasn’t losing you

It was the loss of the version of me who believed love was enough

So much in me has shifted because of you

Sweetheart

Would you want to be loved by you?

I ask myself this when I feel bitter

Because the answer has been yes

To love is a gift

But to be loved?

It is genuine and abundant

It never withholds, it gives all that it has

I did that with you

I want to be loved that way

Sweetheart

Would you?

Would you wish to receive the love you give?

Only you know

Sweetheart

and even now, after it all

I hope you never miss me the way I miss you

I know that you don’t

I would never wish you such ache

Even now,

sweetheart

I wish you everything and more

Everything that you couldn’t find in me.

You’ll look for it in her

Sweetheart