life now

Today, someone asked me if I was dating anyone

It was at dinner

She didn’t know me well

Her question was curious and kind

I thought of you, and for a second all was fine

Suddenly, I could smell your cologne and the drive to your house was my new route home

With plans to watch a movie and toss the chore of who takes the dog out

Then it hit me and breathing became a task

“No” I said softly with a smile

No, I’m not with anyone

I said

I’m not with you

I thought

I excused myself and walked to the restroom counting my footsteps

Each step chasing after the air I’ve lost

Why was that so difficult?

It’s been weeks

It has been weeks of driving the roads of the town we met, experiencing what was once with you, now alone.

Weeks of breaking down in parking lots of the places we went

Weeks of canceled plans and lack of motivation

Because updating my calendar meant life was moving

It was moving on without you

After weeks of rearranging my room, changing my hair and trying new things

Life kept moving

With good days and bad days

Days where the gratitude for my friends was overwhelming enough to quiet the thoughts of what if?

To others where I’d reach for my phone excited to call you and then reality would knock me back to my bathroom floor

Maybe this is for the better

There is an overwhelming feeling that is packaged with the idea that,

I have to remember you longer than I ever even knew you.

A simple cruelty.

With nothing other to do than wonder why

Maybe it’s for the better

Maybe it’s not

Either way, it’s life now

But now, it’s life without you